General Rage is Turning Japanese!
by General Rage
Summary: GR, Blackfire and Sergeant Pain take what they think will be a nice vacation in Tokyo. However when Rage eats a bad fish things go horribly wrong. Takes place at the same time of Trouble in Tokyo.
1. Chapter 1

In response to all the craziness over TT: Trouble in Tokyo's premiere I have decided to also send my fanfic family to Tokyo. They shall be in the same time frame as the movie and don't worry any and all plotholes or questions you have will be answered in time. Oh by the way Robin is not and never will be smexy. So everyone on the Rob/Star boards stop saying that. Thank you.

* * *

Chapter 1: Tokyo Cuisine

Somewhere in a Tokyo hotel

General Rage slides open door to Dojo Suite revealing him and Blackfire, Sergeant Pain strapped to his Back

"And so our vacation begins, my dear family welcome to Japan!"He says

"This place blows."Says Pain

"Son I spent a lot of conterfited Yen to get this place," Says Rage "don't make Daddy's hardwork of ripping off those Yakuza deadbeats a waste of time by complaining."

"Can you at least cut me loose from this accursed back-pack Baby-carrier?" Pain asks"I had like five Asian girls laugh at me on the way up here."

"Let him down honey he's getting in his usual uppity mood." Says Black Fire

"Fine." Pain says as he Unstraps Pain and puts him on the ground "Happy?"

"No," Pain tells him "you know damn well I wanted to visit Iraq. Its Insurgent season over there."

"You're not ready for suicide bombers," Rage tells him "when you learn how to use 50 cal. Sniper then we'll talk."

"Its not fair how do you guys expect me to become a mercenary if I can't go to the hottest hotspots of the world." Pain complains

"Listen going to Iraq at this point in time would only get me unwanted press coverage." Rage explains "Also the US military still has that restraining order against me. I can't be in any country thats involved in their military operations. Something about me being a bad influence."

"You did set fire to that whole village of militia men in Somalia awhile back." Blackfire reminded him

"It was a thermite bomb and I was aiming for HQ not the gas station its not my fault if the launcher had a backlash." Rage said, defending himself

"So basically because the United States Military wants you as far away from them as possible I can't go to Iraq?" Pain asks

"Pretty much, also I've been banned from the island of Cuba for a year. There was some incident at Guantamo Bay involving a misplaced Koran, a toilet and some unplesantness I can never go back." Rage told him "Otherwise Fidel would have been dead by now."

"Great," Pain sighed "is there at least anything to do here in Japan."

"Well lets see, you check the tv," Rage began "Blackie check the ice box, I'll handle the bathroom.

Blackfire looks in Ice Box

"I think the last guy here left some Sakei inside!" Blackfire exclaimed "Could be useful for drunken love making."

GR checks bathroom and notices toliet begins to talk

"I am honored to accept your waste." Says the toilet

GR presses lever and the Toliet bowl begins to put on a colourful fountain show complete with jumping water all around the rim

"By god," Rage exclaims "they're years ahead of us!"

Pain turns on TV

"Wonder whats on." Pain wonders

"Buy American Robot Toys," Screams the commercial "Super High Powered, #1!"

"Whatever" he says as he Flips the channel "Oh this is that robot show that gave all those kids seizures."

Robots eyes begin to flash and Pain's Pupils dialate, he falls on the ground and goes into convulsions. Blackfire notices and comes over to check.

"What the hell are you-"

Blackfre Notices the TV and starts going into convulsions as well

Rage walks in

"Hey what the-"

Now Rage Starts going into convulsions. The Room Service guy rolls in and notices everyone. Shrugs and then falls on the floor pretendiong to convulse. Suddenly Robot Show goes to commercial

"Seizure Battling Robots be right back" The announcer says

Everyone gets up off floor

"Ahhh," says the room service guy "nothing beats old Japanese work out of traditional Anime Caused Seizure."

"Right. Look do you have food or are you just here for some random reason." Rage asks

"Actually I have come to escort you, our honored guest to the Sushi Bar on the ground floor" The room service guy responds

"Like a good little servant boy who follows my every whim?" Blackfire asks

"Uh...Yes." The Room service guy replies

"Lead away then useless drone." Blackfire orders

"At once your highness" says the drone.

Begins to lead everyone out door

"I could like this." Blackfire smiles

"They better have Salmon rolls." Pain complains

Later in the Sushi Bar

"I love the flow of this place," sys Blackfire "it just screams party. And these little Banzai trees are a decrotative and nice addition to the table."

"Pain, cross your legs, don't embarass us in front of the nice Asian people." Rage orders

"Oh yeah you try sitting like this for hours on end." Pain replies

Waiter shows up

"Honored guests, I humbly present you your dinner. The Dragon Roll for General Rage-San, The California Roll for Blackfire-Chan and for the little one, Nigiri Salmon with Salmon Rolls on the side."

Pain bites into a roll and spits it out

"You culinary quack! Where's the Tobiko? I specifically demanded Tobiko with my rolls! And why is my Nigiri Salmon not covered in Wasabi!" Pain screams in anger

"Well I thought-"

"You thought wrong thats what you thought!" Pain Throws the plate into a nearby wall "Now make it again!"

"I'm sorry, our son is a very picky eater." Rage apologies

"He won't eat his Cereal unless we pour carbonated 2 fat milk on it." Blackfire adds

"I won't have my stomach besmearched by lesser foods." Pain complains "Either make it as I want or I will go back there and slice all your heads off with a friggin cleaver."

"Can't we ever go to a nice restaurant without you threating the waiter?" Rage asks

"I never do that all the time." Pain says in his defence

"You told the guy at the Mcdonald's we went to last week you were going to blast his brains out with a shotgun because he didn't put ketchup on your burger and he kept the pickles." Blackfire reminded him

"Well you try eating pickles on a burger, who seriously wants pickles on a burger? Who?

Rage speaks to the the To Waiter

"Listen he's gonna go on about culinary stuff for awhile can you just slip him one of those tranqs into his drinks?" Rage asks

"We don't have any tranqs." the man replies

"Well I just assumed you guys did, considering this is Japan and all. You must get an unruly customer or two." Rage suggests

"We usually just challenge them to a Octopus eating contest with the head chef and they leave. We mostly get tourists anyway so nobody tries it.

"Look just go back and prepare his meal the way he asked, I'll handle him."

The Waiter heads off, GR looks at Pain

"Listen you," he tells his son "this is the first time in my life that I've been in a Foreign country and haven't had to worry about finding nourishment. Be thankful you weren't stuck in a jungle for days on end eating snakes and toads like I was."

"Dad I know you weren't Naked Snake okay stop pretending you were." Pain tells him

"Well I did have to eat a snake once...it was a gummy candy snake but that still counts.

Later after they have all finished

"Well that was filling." Blackfire says

"Meph, I give it 2 stars." Pain crticises

"If you weren't my son I'd slap you one." Rage scolds

"That would be a violation of child abuse laws. Sucks to be a modern civilization huh?" Pain snidely replies

"Well stop being a crab, its desert time anyway." Rage tells him

Waiter comes up

"Sir whilst we wait for the desert menu may I ask you try this sample of fine Japanese cusine?" The waiter asks

Holds out plate with a sliver of meat on it

"Uh what is it?" Rage asks

"Pufferfish."

"Pufferfish!" Rage says in fear "That stuff can kill you if it isn't sliced up right!"

"Oh no no, this is a different rare breed of Pufferfish. It won't kill you at all." The waiter assures

"Oh, I see." Says Rage "Well, I'd hate to contribute to the ever massing decline of a rare animal...but hey should have stayed away from the fishing trolley. Grabs sliver of meat and glups it down"

"How does it taste?" Asks the waiter

"Tangy I suppose." Rage admits

Chef runs up to waiter

"Um sir, you haven't given out that taste sample have you?" asks the chef

"Yes why?" Asks the waiter

"Oh well...you see I kinda sorta...messed it up with the cutting it up." The chef answers

"You what!?" Screams the waiter

"Yeah it was supposed to be below the gills not above it, silly me huh?" The waiter asks

Waiter turns to GR

"Um, General Rage-San, I hate to be the Cherry Blossom of bad news but...um...I'm afraid you have been poisoned." The waiter explains

"Huh? What are you talking about I feel-" Rage Collapses

Pain Rings a bell on the table \

"Check please" he says

Later at the emergency room, Rage wakes up

"Where the hell am I?" Rage asks

Blackfire, Pain and the Doctor's face come into view

"Oh my Commanding Conquerer are you okay?" Blackfire asks

"I'm fine honey, what happened?" Rage asks

"You've been F'ed up big time. Told ya we should have went to Iraq." Pain told him

"My mouth feels weird." Rage says

"General Rage-San," Says the doctor "I'm afraid you've been horrifically poisoned. You shallowed a great amount of bad Anime Pufferfish meat"

"Anime what?" Asks General Rage

"Anime Pufferfish, its an extremely rare fish." The doctor explains "While its poison doesn't kill you it...well. Take a look."

He Hands GR a mirror. GR find his eyes have been super animed in large cartoonish optics

"Oh my god!"

He Notices his lips aren't moving, they're flapping

"Why are my lips moving in flaps? Why can't I make lip movements? What with these ridiculous eyes? Why is my look of worry being characterised in my eyes whilst the whiten into circles with black stuff around them and my mouth convorts to a squigle line!?"

His Head grows big in anger as his teeth turn razor sharp and a vein forms in his fore head "Whats going on on!?" He screams

"Its the anime pufferfish poison." The Doctor explains "It has compeltely altered your genetic make-up and turned you into" ...DUM DUM DUM... "an anime character!"

GR holds his cheeks as he begins to stretch out and shake in mid air

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screams and Begins to cry a river of tears as they pour out of his eyes in a mass number

"Cool," Pain relishes "set him up in a hole in the backyard and we'd have our own swimming pool!"

GR runs out of the hospital crying as his feet kick up dust and he passes a one coloured fast-moving background, he then bursts out the door in magna style and continues running. Blackfire and Pain look on in amazement

"Well that was freaky." Said Pain

"If it helps any...welcome to Tokyo." Says the doctor

"Oh shut up." Blackfire tells him.


	2. Chapter 2

Most of these rules are taken from welll known Anime scholar sites, also I watched a lot of anime on the subject so I know how characters react in certain ways. Trust me this is really how Japan does animation, if you don't believe me then you have probably never watched anime.

* * *

Chapter 2: The Unbreakable laws of Anime

(GR on the bed in the hotel in a fetal position)

Blackfire: Honey, will you stop acting OOC.

GR: You aren't the one turned into anime character with over exagerated expressions and features.

Pain: So you're anime, big deal. Muramaki made the whole damn Titans show based off Anime.

GR: At least they didn't have lips that moved in exaggerated flaps.

Blackfire: I think they did actually

GR: The point is I'm stuck like this for who knows how long? And you saw me back there I was more wierd then usual.

Pain: Yeah what the hell was that anyway?

Blackfire: The Doctor said that since Rage is now a anime character he has to follow all the unbreakable laws of anime until the poison works out of his system.

Pain: Yeesh that sucks. Does this mean we can go home now?

GR: No we are not going home, not with me like this we aren't. We're staying until this accursssed poison leaves my system.

Pain: So what do we do now then?

Blackfire: We're in Tokyo, what do you think?

Pain: I think this trip sucks.

GR: (Head grows huge with razor teeth) We already know that! Shut up!

Pain: Yeah I know I was testing to see how'd you react.

(GR's face turns to an exaggerated frown with little wavy lines above his head and a vein in his forehead)

Blackfire: Honey could you not pester your father in this condition. The unbreakable laws of anime are extremely dangerous especially to someone who wasn't an anime character before.

Pain: Oh please, what could go wrong?

(Chime goes off)

GR: (Question mark above head)What was that?

(Knock at door, Blackfire slides it open revealing a Tokyo cop)

Cop: I feel the need to warn you all to stay off the street for a couple of hours, its nine o-clock you see.

Blackfire: Your point?

Cop: Nine O'Clock is Rubber Monster Happy Fun Destruction Time.

Pain: Huh?

Cop: It means a Giant Rubber Suited monster is going to be blowing up the city at this time.

GR: What giant monster?

(Giant Green Dinosaur roars and passes the window while he chuck a car into the air)

GR: (Sweatdrop appears on side of head) Okay...that was weird.

Blackfire: Um honey you have a drop of water on you.

(GR notices it and grabs it and throws it off)

GR: Stupid Laws of Anime

Pain: Hey look, that cop feela wasn't kidding about the whole Monster happy fun destruction time thing. They even have a show going on right now.

(All gather round TV and watch as a very strange intro plays with a freaky incomprihensable song playing along with it. Into is basically a a monster smashing building for no reason whatsoever and killing and munching down humans. By contrast the music that is being played is happy and upbeat.)

Announcer: It is the Monster Happy Fun Destruction Time show! With your hosts Kakugisaki an Mamakomomo.

Kakugisaki: Thank you Announcer-San.

Mamakomomo: Honour preposed upon you and your family

Kakugisaki: Tonight monster fans, we have a big super number one episode for you. Today's monster is new, a giant green dinosaur thingy with laser eyes and green barf powers.

Mamakomomo: Sounds like super fun, lets watch.

(Monster seen attacking powerlines for no reason when suddenly it gets hit by several familar objects that Blackfire, Sergeant Pain and General Rage recognise)

Pain: Did that look like a disk?

Blackfire: That couldn't have been a starbolt!

GR: (With a look of pure surprise, pointing at the screen in over dramatic way with a large wow backgrtound behind him) AH IT CAN"T BE!

(Sonic blasts hits monster in the chest and leaves a gapping hole that is eventually covered up. Camera shifts to reveal the Teen Titans)

Blackfire: You have got to be friggin kidding me.

GR: (In chibi form, acting all excited) The Titans are taking a vacation in the same city as me! This is almost to good an opportunity to pass up.

Pain: Mom, why is dad my size exactly?

(GR reverts back to normal)

GR: Sorry, Anime laws again.

Blackfire: Honey you can't possibly be thinking about trying to make the Titan's lives miserable on our vacation.

GR: Well no, but its the perfect time to ask a favour from one of my friends in the states. (Calls on phone) Yes hello, its me dude. Operation: Screw with Titans is undergo. You know what to do. Begin planning the stuff in the T-Tower. Oh and remember to fill Robin's room with gelatin, that will be classic. (Hangs up)

Blackfire: So what now?

GR: Well the simple fact that the Titans are in this city with us means we'll have to be careful. If they find out we're here Robin will be down our throats with his super prickiness.

Blackfire: Good point. So with that monster on the streets things should be a little less crowded, think we can go out now?

GR: Of course, Tokyo awaits us!

Pain: We're going to screw with this city so bad before this is over huh?

GR: You bet we are! (Over exaggerated happy smile)

(Later in Tokyo...)

GR: Okay we're gonna need a car, I didn't really plan on getting one at the airport. I don't trust airport rentals anyway.

Pain: I'll grab us one. (Takes out tire iron and smashes nearby car window and quickly silences alarm) Okay get in.

GR: Sergeant Pain no! No! I told you when we're on vacation we do not commit crimes.

Blackfire: Besides everyone knows the only cars here in Japan are electric.

Car: True but we are also fully automated.

Pain: AHH! Talking car! (Smacks dashboard with tire iron repeatedly until it starts to spark)

Car: I only wanted to be loved. (Dies)

GR: Great, first day in Tokyo and my son has already commited grand theft auto, destruction of property and killed an AI lifeform.

Pain: So they we're just going eventually become sentient and destroy us all. I'm saving the world from horrors of tommorow.

GR: (Sighs and little bit of visible air comes out of his mouth) Well, it could be worse.

(Kid with a baseball cap and a stupid vest on jumps out)

Ash: I'm Ash Ketchum and I'm going to be the world's greatest Pokemon master! Yeah!

(All look at him like he's stupid)

GR: Okay, thats nice.

Blackfire: Setting your goal a little high aren't you? I mean, its a pretty loose goal.

Pain: Well actually its easily accomplished, but it requires the right contacts and tools...mainly guns.

Ash: I don't care I'm gonna be the world greatest trainer! Now prepare to battle.

GR: What?

Ash: Pikachu go!

(Little yellow rat jumps out)

Pikachu: Pika.

GR: What am I supposed to do? I don't have a...(Looks at Sergeant Pain)

Pain: What are you staring at me for?

(GR picks up Pain and plops him into battle arena while doing a super exaggerated pose)

GR: I choose you Sergeant Painachu!

Pain: What! I'm not a damn Pokemon!

GR: Oh come on! This is just pandering to young children and their excessive need to enslave and force cute little animals to fight. Its Cock fighting for toddlers basically.

Pain: Roosters don't sprout electricity out of their asses!

GR: (Head grows huge with razor teeth and is surrounded by fire) JUST DO IT!

Pain: Okay okay! Geez!

Ash: Pikachu lighting attack!

Pikachu: Pika-

(Ka-blam!)

(Pain holds smoking magnum in air while Pikachu lays on the ground dead)

Pain: I win.

Ash: No! Pikachu! (Starts craddeling body)

GR: You see, this is what happens when you get attached to your fighters, you become an annoying stupid little dumbass kid with a baseball cap and a voice that sounds like a girl.

Blackfire: I don't see the analogy.

GR: (Mopes and recieves a sweatdrop) I know I'm making this up as I go along.

Pain: Are there more of those stupid ugly yellow rats to kill?

Blackfire: Last time I checked there were over 150 species of it.

Pain: Really? I'm suddenly intrigued by this place. Come on happy family you know what they say about Pokemon, gotta kill'em all!

GR: Uh I believe its Catch'em all.

Pain: Yeah whatever I don't care. I catcth'em then kill'em for sport.Thats how I roll.

(Later at one of those Japanese Arcades...)

Blackfire: A dancing game huh? Here these are pretty tough. Bet I can beat it though.

(Places in token and dances along to the arrows on screen as the cruddy techno music starts to play)

Arcade Dude 1: Wow, the Orange girl is hot.

Arcade Dude 2: And she rocks at the Super Dancey Insane Game. Nice butt too.

GR: (Has a look of a vien in his head ready to pop plus little wavy lines above them) That's my wife.

(Arcade dudes get sudden uneasiness and step away as flames begin to engulf GR's body)

Passerby: Dude you're on fire!

GR: I know, its another one of those stupid Anime cliches.

Passerby: Anime Pufferfish poisioning?

GR: Oh yeah.

Passerby: Sorry about that.

GR: Its okay I'm getting use to it. (Looks around and notices Pain is gone) Oh crap. Say did you see a psychoctic child with a helmet and a kevlar vest pass by you.?

Passerby: I think that's him by the shooting game gallery.

(Sergeant Pain blasting away with a light gun)

Pain: Die you undead motherf--ker! Yeah! Whoose your daddy! Whoose your daddy!

GR: Son, I think Japanese games are little too violent for you.

Pain: What? I'm just killing these stupid zombies with intensely realistic blood and gore.

GR: Really? (Watches as Zombie's head gets blasted off and his eyes sparkle up) Sweet! Mind if I join in?

Pain: Sure, what better way for father and son to spend time together then bringing the undead to their knees.

GR: Cool! Hey look, its CG rendered version of Jack Thompson!

CG Jack Thompson: Meh! I'm a dumbass! I'm an American Jerkoff! Games are bad! Meh!

(GR shoots away his head)

Pain: Well thats a lawsuit.

GR: Don't you know it!

(Blackfire meanwhile beats high score on game!)

Blackfire: Yes! In your face you stupid piece earthling technocrap! I am the master of both men and machine! And I owe it all to my extremely sex body.

(Suddenly game goes off again)

Machine: Your high score has been defeated in another locale.

Blackfire: (Angered) What?

Machine: New champion's name is: Koriander Starfire! She number 1!

(Blackfire blasts machine open with a starbolt)

Blackfire: C--ksucking little bitch of a f--king little sister!

GR: Oh calm down honey you're still my dirty dancer.

Blackfire: No. I won't calm down. I demand all these arcade dancing machnes be destroyed so that no one will know I'm second best to my sister!

GR: That's a tall order.

Blackfire: Do it now!

GR: (Becomes nervous chibi-version of self) Okay, okay. I'll do it!

Pain: How? There must be a million of these dancing machines in Tokyo alone.

GR: But I have something that can take them all out! (Dramatically pulls out a floppy disk with an overexaggerated smile) This Floppy Disk!

Pain: I don't get it.

GR: (Gets a vein in forehead) Just plug this thing into the nearest Dance game and watch it whipe every score off the leader board.

Pain: This is cruel and inhumane punishment for other gamers. However I do owe some graditude to mom for not aborting me so I'll do it.

GR: There's one over there. Plug it in and lets get busy.

(Pain walks over to dance game and rips out back of machine)

Pain: Are all these thing even connected? Well if it can read other console's score boards I suppose they are. Let's see where's that hardrive oh there it is. (Touches it and sudden alarm goes off)

Speakerphones: Warning! Warning! Dance Game tampering! Search and Destroy!

(Armed Japanese Swat guys with sheilds burst in!)

Swat Guys: BANZAI!

GR: (Mouth opens in large freaked out scream) AHHHH!

Blackfire: Oh come on we can take them!

(Tear gas bottles gets thrown everywhere)

Pain: Wow, Japan takes its gaming scores seriously huh?

GR: Cheese it!

(All run out of Arcade, GR more so because he kicks up comical dirt as he runs)

Pain: How come he's faster then us! My little baby legs can't handle the pressure.

(Blackfire picks up Pain)

Blackfire: Come precious, don't want to get stick slapped by the scary Swat guys.

(Swat Guys pile out in front of door as they chase after them)

Swat: Guys: BANZAI!

(Later at a Sumo Stadium)

GR: I think we gave them the slip.

Pain: Hey look fat guys in diapers fighting! AKA Sumo Wrestling!

(Sumos slam bellys together while trying to push eachother out of the ring. Eventually one does and he flattens nearby spectators in the front row)

Blackfire: So basically it a competition for obesse people. Well at least its not fake like some American fighting institutions.

GR: You're not talking about Fight Club are you?

Blackfire: No, then I'd be violating the first two rules of Fight Club.

Pain: Besides we know she was talking about the (Name edited for legal purposes and because Wrestling fans are insane bashers). Oh damnit!

GR: Hey thats legal issues for ya. Hm this popcorn could use some salt.

Blackfire: Where the hell did you get popcorn?

GR: It another rule of anime, props can come from nowhere. Its just like those Looney Tunes shows.

Pain: Hey the fat dudes are using salt.

GR: Sounds good (Goes over to Sumo Wrestler) Hey fat boy, need some salty goodness here.

Wrestler: For your information sir, my body size is an honourable and timely tradition for this sport. Besides its my body I will treat it how I wish. (Notices popcorn) You gonna eat that? (Grabs popcorn bag and starts munching)

GR: (Eyes grow angry as a vien appears) Hey thats my popcorn! (Gets on stage and gives Sumo wrestler a diaper wedgie, Sumo Wrestler falls over on face and GR grabs popcorn back) HA In your face tubby!

(Old man with formal military dress and medals appears on stage with flanking bodyguards)

Emperor: Congratulations on your victory. Although unorthodox as it was, Japan always honours its winners. I am the emperor.

GR: Oh really huh? (Kicks emperor in the balls and he crumples to ground) That will learn ya.

Crowd: BOO! BOO! (Throws stuff at him)

GR: Oh get lost, you're the ones who don't acknowledge the existance of the rape of Nanjing.

(Crowd looks confused and starts mumbling to themselves about what GR's talking about)

GR: Great you can't even mock them about the low points in their history because they don't even know about it.

Emperor: (Gets up off ground) Ninjas! Attack!

(Ninjas jump down from above)

GR: (Sweatdrop and shivering) Ah Crap! Cheese it!

(Blackfire flies out through roof with GR and Pain in tow)

Pain: You do realise we're going to banned from this country forever now.

GR: At this point I don't care.

(Later at a comic book store)

GR: (Reading comic) I can not follow anything that they are saying in this.

Blackfire: I have an english translation here. It says "The fighter uses his strength to beat his opponents with superior technique and power." And this guy is saying "My fist smashes you horrible with extra sauce."

GR: (Sweatdrop) Uh...does that make any sense?

Blackfire: Probably losses something in the translation

GR: Hey where's Pain?

(Meanwhile in the adult section)

Pain: What the hell is this? "Date Beach, make pretty girls like you with extremeness and flatterly. Super Sex Number 1!" I don't understand any of this crap.

(GR bursts in)

GR: Sergeant Pain what the hell are you doing?

Pain: Dad, this section is full of these games called Dating sims, I've heard about them but I have no idea what the objective is. It would appear it has something to do with sex.

GR: (Grabs date sim out of hand) Give me that!

Pain: Don't you have mom to fullfill your needs?

GR: (Head grows big and is surrounded by fire) Shut up!

Store Handler: Are you buying this sir?

GR: (Gets a sweatdrop and a blushed face) What? No! My son just came in here and started looking at stuff.

Store Handler: Yeah a likely story.

GR: Its true!

(Later a kareoke bar)

GR: I hope your happy son, I had to buy all those pointless, little pieces of pasted on Hentai and porno.

Pain: What's your deal? Everyone looks at that stuff.

GR: The point is I don't need it! I already have a hot wife to fullfill my sexual desires. Why the hell would I need fake sex from fake characters!

Blackfire: Oh relax Rage, we can just sell them in America to horny Teenage boys with low self-esteem.

GR: Whatever, so whoose up next anyway?

(Light turns on to reveal a confused Beastboy)

Blackfire: Oh s--t.

GR: Quick hide!

(All get under table)

Pain: If that changleing sees us we're toast! What do we do?

GR: We'll need a viable distraction. (Notices screaming Japanese school girls listening to BB's weird rendition of the TT theme song) That will work.

Blackfire: Do you suppose that English gets mixed up in Japanese too? Cause this song is strangely unfamilar.

Pain: That and I cannot understand a word he is saying.

GR: Quick we must flee, whilst the Green one's confusing singing gives us ample time to escape!

(All sneak out door)

(Later in the backalleys of Tokyo)

Pain: Well this is turning out to be the worst vacation ever. I liked it when we went to North Korea and blew up that nuke site.

Blackfire: I hate to admit it Rage, but our complaining son has a point. This vacation sucks

GR: (Slaps forehead and leaves a giant red mark) I know okay! Between me getting poisoned, getting chased by Swat guys, attacked by ninjas, being forced to buy crappy video games that aren't really even games and having to leave a damn club because one of those Teen Titans showed up and started singing in weird lyrics the vacation sucks! I'm sorry okay!

Blackfire: Its okay honey, you tried your best. And it can't get any worse.

(Raven appears from around corner)

Raven :You have got to be friggin kidding.

GR: (Goes into overexagerated scream) AHHHH! (faints comically)

Blackfire: Whoops, didn't see that coming.

Raven: What the hell are you three doing here?

Pain: Having the worst vacation ever.

Blackfire: What about you and your friends?

Raven: Robin's going through one of his obsessive phases again, we're tracking down this villian and I'm trying to find out more about him. The others are out having fun instead.

Pain: I thought you'd be with Beastboy considering you like each other now.

Raven: We've gotten really pissed off with Robin and Starfire being so obvious. So now we're trying to be as non-obvious as possible. Other then pretending to be interested in other people we've been kinda abusing each other over the past few days...well actually I have Beastboy apparently like to recieve the punishment. Also, we've taken up Sado-Machoism. It helps releave the sexual tension and it fits in with the non-obvious theme. We'll be back to normal when this vacation is over. Then we return to normal weekly sex.

Blackfire: Wow Sado-machoism. Progressive. Never knew you were into that kinda stuff.

Raven: I'm the resident Goth of the Titans, what did you think I was into? By the way what's up with Rage?

Blackfire: He ate some fish and it poisoned his genes turning him into an anime character.

Pain: Something called an anime pufferfish.

Raven: Hmm, so you haven't been having a good vacation huh?

(GR get back up)

GR: No we haven't, now excuse us. We're going back to the hotel and waiting until this whole thing is over. (Pushes others along road with squeking and dust coming up behind them)

Blackfire: Nice meeting you!

Raven: Whatever.

(Later back at hotel)

GR: I'm official tired of this vacation. As soon as this poison wears off we're headed back home. This place sucks, I mean look at the TV here!

TV: And now it time crazy antic things for no reason!

Announcer: Today we set up super cool domino ring made of homemade items, while we watch that lets look at these woman as they shame themselves trying to cook raw fish.

(TV plays scenes of woman acting like total babies as they try to cut up live fish with knives. Dominoes of house hold items is juxtaposed to the side. Animal crtuelty and sexist hilarity aside the dominoes aren't that bad)

(GR changes channel)

Commercial: MAI KOBEN! BUY PHONE NOW!

(Channel Change)

News announcer: And now here is weather with ninja weather report man.

Ninja: HIYA! TOMMOROW! CLOUDY! RAIN! THEN SUNSHINE!

(Channel Change)

(Picture of little creatures getting eaten by a giant monster with upbeat music playing in then background)

Commercial Jingle for a Video game: _Choo Choo rocket, roni moka, lepa choo choo rocket mainepkopka!_

(Channel Change)

Annoucer: Watch as victim commits himself to shame.

(Man walks to door and open it to be punched back by a giant boxing glove)

Announcer: WA HA HA HA HA!

(Channel Change)

Guy with Sombero on head: It is time for pointlessness, may it begin now. Hi!

(Girls in school uniforms jump out and dance around the guy in the sombero)

(GR turns off TV)

GR: Its like this entire country is on crack!

Blackfire: (In bathroom) I know exactly what you need then. (Walks out to reveal skimpy Nigthdress) Hot Sex.

GR: (Taken by surprise as his eyes grow big...then suddenly his nose begins to bleed profusely) Holy crap.

Blackfire: Honey your nose.

GR: What? (Sticks finger up it and looks at blood) S--t. I hate anime. (Faints)

(Later at hospital, GR lies in bed)

GR: What happened?

Blackfire: Let me put it this way. You suffered a great loss of blood and we had to pump it back in you. Here's a cookie.

(GR takes cookie and munches it down)

GR: It official my life is over.

Blackfire: Oh no its not honey. I mean, its just one night you weren't able to perform.

GR: Yeah, but now I can't even have sex in this place. (sighs) Blackie just go back and watch the wierd Japanese TV with Sergeant Pain. I'm gonna take a walk.

Blackfire: You sure the doctors are fine with that.

(Doctor pokes head in)

Doctor: Actually he's been good to go for hours we just liked to mess with him a little.

GR: Wow, thanks for waiting this long to tell me that.

Doctor: So how's your stay in Tokyo going?

GR: (Looks at him with pure exaggerated loathing) Shut it.


	3. Chapter 3

Note: If I missed any of your favourite Anime Characters I am sorry. There are a lot.

* * *

Chapter 3: Anime Attack!

(Really dingy bar on the bad side of Tokyo)

GR: Me! I used to be big! Bigs I tells ya! Now Is washed up with all you peoples! You know who all ares? You F--king cockroaches thats whose yous ares.

Bartender: I think you have had one too many Sakei shots sir.

GR: I tell you when I've had enough! (Plops head down on counter)

Bartender: Resorting to drunken 'down on your luck' cliches, this is serious.

GR: I can't have sex without my nose bleeding profusely, what do you think!

Bartender: Anime pufferfish?

GR: Does everyone know about that but me? I mean how incompetent can all the chefs of Tokyo be anyway?

Bartender: They keep mixing up which side of the gills to cut.

GR: Whatever, just drown my sorrows in more of your Asian alcohol.

(Bartender goes back to get more bottles)

Bar hand: Man that guy is wasted.

Bartender: Strange thing is, this stuff isn't real alcohol. I think he just thinks he's drunk.

GR: Stop talking! I'm not wasted enough!

(Door open to reveal Robin in sunglasses and white overcoat. A few seconds later Robin inevitabley starts up a fight and approaches the bar soon afterwards notincing Rage at last)

Robin: Oh you got to be kidding me.

GR: What the f--k? Robin? Is that you? I can't tell, you look gayer then usual.

Robin: I'll have you know I had to beat up a mugger to get these. Besides I think they make me look cool.

GR: If by cool you mean gay then yeah you're right they do.

Robin: What are you doing here anyway?

GR: Having the worst vacation of my life. If you haven't noticed by the fact my lips move in flaps and I have overexaggereated facial expressions.

Robin: How'd that happen?

GR: I ate a bad fish, does it matter! The point is my life has hit rock bottom. The only solace is the fact that I'm seeing you in your present attire. Its so friggin stupid I have to laugh! But I'm afraid to because of what might happen. Ah screw it. (Laugh aloud and his head becomes an over-exaggerated laughing smile that appears all around Robin.)

Robin: That was weird.

GR: Yes it was. Now excuse me I need to wander the streets in shame, that is unless of course you just want to arrest me.

Robin: No time I need to find an evil crinimal mastermind whose framed me.

GR: Like I care (Gets up and stumbles out door and walks around the streets for awhile) What's the point of going back now? I might as well just wait till this accurssed poison crap wears off and then return. Blackie and Pain will probably have already packed up by then. Then I can leave this accursed country and never return.

Voice: No chance of that happening my friend.

(GR turns around to see a large contingent of Anime character behind him)

GR: Oh crap, I hate when this stuff happens.

Vegeta: Hello General Rage, we've been looking for you.

GR: Is this about me having my son kill your stupid friend Ash's mouse thing?

Ash: No but I wish it were.

Speed Racer: You have become an anime character just like us! Oh! E! Now you must join us! Ah! Oh!

GR: Could you slow down there son. You're speaking like one of them Gilmore Girls only faster.

Goku: Basically we want you to join the ever increasing amount of Anime characters.

Agumon: And be our best friend forever.

GR: Pft, as if. I hate this stupid overexaggerated emotional face. Besides its all tempoairly anyway, I'll be back to normal in no time.

Inuyasha: Thats what you think dumbass.

GR: Hey do we need to resort to foul language here.

Kagome: All you need to do is take a larger dose of the Anime Pufferfish and you'll be one of us forever!

Anime Characters: One of us! One of us!

GR: Why the hell would I want to do that?

Gohan: You don't have much of a choice in the matter buddy.

Picalo: Whether you like it or not we're gonna keep you as an anime Character and stuck here in Tokyo with us.

Naruto: Believe it!

GR: Sorry guys, but its just not my thing. Japanese Animation is cool and all, but I prefer to look...I don't know...normal! Besides I have a wife and a kid, how am I suppose to provide for them when I look like this?

Davis: So thats the only thing holding you back?

Tai: We see.

Matt: Well then we know what me must do.

Takato: We sure do, don't we Guilmon

Guilmon: Yep.

Gundam Leader: We must kill his family and leave him no choice but to join our ranks!

GR: WHAT! Are you crazy!

Goku: Its the only way.

GR: Not if I can help it you assholes (Holds fist in dramatic fashion while camera pans up to his face) You want to kill my family and turn me into one of you losers, you'll have to get through me!

Vegeta: Fair enough.

Inuyasha: Yeah I'm down with that.

Naruto: Lets fight then! Believe it!

Goku: Shut it Naruto no one likes you.

Naruto: Yeah, I know.

Ash: Alright! Robo-Pikachu! I choose you!

(Pikachu with robotic body parts jumps out)

Robo-Pikachu: Pika.

GR: I thought Pain killed it?

Ash: Yes he did...but he got better.

(Robo-Pikachu zap a lighting bolt at GR who jumps out of the way.)

GR: Ha! You'll have to do better then that!

Agumon: Pepper Breath! (Launches fire ball that hits GR and scorches him)

GR: Ow. (Shakes off burnt ash on skin) I guess not all anime cliches are bad.

Goku: Grab him and make him swallow a whole Anime Pufferfish!

Vegeta: Then he'll see the light.

(Inuyasha runs straight at GR with a sword which GR jumps away from. GR then bolts down an alley)

Goku: After him! He's headed back to his family!

Gundam Leader: Gundams! Attack!

(Giant Robot squadron launches after GR who is running away comically through the back alleys as the fire on him)

GR: Great, giant robo-suits. Now what do I do? This accursed country's anti-gun laws screw me over.

(Gundam jumps down in front of GR)

GR: (Overexaggerated scream) AHHH!

Gundam Leader: Surrender!

(GR bolts into a nearby dojo)

GR: I should be safe in here.

(Gundam rips off roof and peers in)

Gundam Leader: Listen its hard to make you surrender if you keep running away.

(GR notices a wooden sword on the ground nearby.)

GR: Ah Ha! (Grabs wooden sword) Back off!

Gundam: You're joking right? That's a sword. A wooden sword! I have a freaking awesome big gun.

GR: True, it is just a useless wooden training sword. But in the hands of an Anime Character like me...(Jumps up in fast paced anime style attack and then two white flashes that look like sword slashes appear on screen. Arms of Gundam suit fall off) Its just as sharp as an ordinary sword. And since they can cut through anything in anime your suit is useless. Victory is mine! (Does anime victory pose)

Gundam: You bastard I'll do you for that! I still have my legs! (Legs fall off and he is now nothing but a torso)

GR: What are you gonna do now? Leak oil on me?

(More gundam suit show up, GR grabs one of the fallen off arms guns and fires at them with it. All of them explode)

Gundam: Damn I hate you.

GR: Bye bye robo-boy! (Runs out of Dojo and into a robo kid with no shirt on) Speaking of robots.

Astro-boy: Prepare to fight General Rage!

GR: Has anyone told you that you need to wear a shirt?

Astro-Boy: Shut up, I'm trying not to look androgenous or anything. If I wear a shirt people will probably not know if I'm a boy or girl. Now prepare to battle

GR: What I would give for one of those overly convienent plot twists that sometimes happen to me.

(Bunch of screaming Japanese school girls come down the alley chasing a familar green bird of some kind. They run over Astro-Boy)

Astro-Boy: Ow.

GR: Sorry kid, better luck next time. Oh and put on a shirt.

Astro-Boy: I hate you.

(GR keeps running down street until he's cut off by Inyuasasha and Kagome)

Kagome: (Arming bow) Hold it!

Inuyasha: Don't make me use my big ass sword.

GR: (Pointing) Look! Its that dead girl that you fell in love with back from the grave!

Inuyasha: Kikyo?

(Kagome get hit in the head with a trash can thrown by Rage while the two are distracted)

GR: Wow, I can't believe that worked.

Inuyasha: I'll make you pay for that!

GR: (Produces tennis ball) Hey boy! Want the ball boy? Go fetch! (Throws ball and Inuyasha chases it and gets hit by a passing bus) What a maroon.

(Ash shows up with Robo-Pikachu)

Ash: Robo-Pikachu! Use Thunder!

Robo-Pikachu: Pika-Chu!

(GR misses it by inches)

GR: Govein! (Notices Kagome's Bow and Arrow on the ground next to her unconcious body and grabs them) Now how do you work this thing? (Accidentaly lets an arrow go that ricochets off a few things until in hits Ash in the head killing him) Whoops.

(Robo-pikachu can't stop crying while GR runs off only to come face to face with the Digidestined of all Four seasons of Digimon!)

GR: Oh mutherfodder!

Tai: Looks like we got you outnumbered.

Greymon: And outsized.

GR: I guess this wouldn't be a good time to ask you how I can get out of this?

(Minutes later on the set of a Iron Chef competition)

Announcer: How much crappy food can our competitors make!

(Greymon comes crashing through door with GR on his head)

GR: Stop the dinosaur! I wanna get off!

Flamedramon: I'll get him!

(GR jumps off at the last minute and Greymon and Flamedramon crash into each other)

GR: Dino-dorks. Showed them.

Iron Chef: This is a closed Set-oo!

GR: Hey I didn't have much of a choice you saw the giant dino

Iron Chef: You aren't competitor-oo! Get out-oo!

GR: I'd love to, which way is the Exit-oo!

Iron Chef: Don't Patronize me. I mean, don't patronize me-oo!

(Davis jumps up)

Davis: I'm gonna break every bone in your body.

GR: Hey is that TK and Kari making out?

Davis: Where? (Gets hit with frying pan and falls over)

GR: (Holding frying pan) I'm not too surprised that worked actually.

(Takato and the other Digmon Tamers show up)

Takato: Come on team, lets get this guy!

Wargrowlmon: We'll smash him good.

GR: No fair! You jerks get all the awesome monsters! What do I get?

Kari: Maybe if you were a nicer and kinder person you'd have one.

GR: Oh can it you sap! I can't believe I use to watch your show and found you attractive. Although you still are and Mimi has a nice set of gams on her.

Mimi: That is Lewd! (Takes a handful of food and throws it at GR who ducks and it hits Rika in the face)

Rika: You pink loving freak! (Throws handful of food that hits Tai in the face)

Tai: My eyes!

(Food hits Matt)

Matt: My hair!

(GR grabs TK's hat in the confusion and puts it on Takuya, and he notices it)

TK: My hat! (Tackles Takuya)

(Digidestined begin fighting each other for no reason whatsoever in huge Japanese food fight)

GR: Time to get out of here! (Grabs Katana off Head Iron Chef and cut out of studio cause thats how sharp Katannas are in Anime. GR runs off)

Iron Chef: That cost eight-thousand dollar-oo!

GR: (In distance) Sorry! Can't give it back!

Iron Chef: Damn-oo!

(Later outside)

GR: (Panting) God...I have to start...exercising more...I think I'll buy a gym membership...next year.

(Naruto jumps down from roof)

Naruto: I'm Naruto Uzamaki! And I'm gonna be Okagi! Beleive it!

(Edit: It should be spelled "Hokage", sorry)

GR: Is that your catchphrase?

Naruto: Yes.

GR: It sucks, at least Robin's makes sense. Yours is just dumb.

Naruto: It is not, now prepare to battle! Believe it! (Splits into several Narutos)

GR: Oh skittles!

Narutos: Naruto Uzamaki Barrage!

(Nartutos all rush GR but he ducks at the last second and they all hit each other and fall over in a heap of idiocy)

GR: Whoa...that had to hurt. Believe it!

(Distant moan of car engine heard in background)

GR: What's that? (Looks through binoculars and sees the speed Racer coming at him)

Speed: Once I capture General Rage I'll win that super dangerous race and save the world from some idiotic cult of bad guys! Oh! E! Ah! Uh! Ga!

GR: Oh great its the speedy freak dude. (Rumages around in pockets) Luckily I always carry some C4 just in case. (Throws C4 onto nearby bridge and walks away pressing the detonator)

(Meanwhile in a chopper above Tracey and that stupid monkey with the dumb hat call Speed)

Tracey: Speed this is Tracey!

Speed: What is it Tracey I'm trying to capture General Rage!

Tracey: But Speed the bridge is out!

Speed: The bridge is out! Oh no!

Tracey: Don't worry Speed I got good news!

Speed: What is it Tracey?

Tracey: I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico!

(Stupid monkey nods and Speed looks confused)

Speed: (Short pause) Well I'm gonna die.

(Falls off destroyed bridge and crashes into a wall in a firely explosion)

Speed: AHHH! This is what happens when you remove your breaks to reach optumum speed levels and can't stop taking drugs that make you talk super fast! (Dies)

(GR looks on at fireball)

GR: See what happens when you live life in the fast lane. You die slow and painfully.

(Megaman flys in on his robo-dog)

Megaman: I'm here to capture you General Rage!

GR: Didn't I fight someone like you before? He wasn't wearing a shirt...Astro-Boy.

Megaman: No, I'm Megaman.

GR: Really? The Video Game character that has more games, spin-offs and sequels then he has cool original titles.

Megaman: Its called brand expansion

GR: More like Franchise suicide.

(Suddenly X shows up)

X: I'm here to capture you General Rage.

GR: Okay, whose he?

Megaman: AH! Paradox!

X: Our different incarnations can't exist in two places at once! AH!

(Both dissapeer from existance)

GR: Well that was easy.

(The One Piece Pirate gang jumps on him)

Lupe: Hey there! Want to die horribly?

GR: I'd rather not.

Solo: I got three big ass swords, feel my wrath.

GR: Oh good, then you won't mind holding two more then. (Throws Solo his wooden and real kataana)

(Solos stumbles with them for awhile then loses his balance and fighting stance and falls over)

Solo: Ow!

Nani: You're a big jerk Rage.

GR: Whatever lady, least I don't have an annoying voice.

(Lupe swings a rubber punch at him but GR didges it and grabs the arm, then he swings it back at his pirate crew consisting of the cook, Nani, the slingshot guy and that raindeer thing, we don't really care about their names. Finnaly he bonks Lupe's fist on his head)

GR: Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! God I'm so juvenile!

(Lupe falls over from the pain)

GR: Did I win yet?

(Suddenly one of Tachikoma from Ghost in a Shell shows up)

Tachikoma: Wow, so you're the guy they sent me to catch! Cool!

GR: What the hell? Are you one of those child like AIs that are underdeveloped and think war is a game?

Tachikoma: Sure am!

GR: Great. I'm trapped in a magma comic now. Wonder where those Trigun fellas are?

(Scene shift)

Vash: We're on holiday actually

(Scene shift back to GR)

GR: Whatever I don't care.

(Faye Valentine jumps into from behind GR)

Faye: You're surrounded Rage, give it up.

GR: Oh great, I'm gonna die at the hands of a psychotic robot child and a hot chick. I always imagined my death would be more glamourous. Like the final bullet of a great war or perhaps a crushed pelvis from a night of the hottest sex of my life.

(Faye and the Tachikoma fire at the same time and GR jumps up with amazing strength out of the path of both projectiles. Both hit Faye and the Tachikoma are respectively and they slump over in pain. GR lands back on the ground)

GR: Whoa...did I just do that?

(Edward and Alphonse show up from nowhere)

Edward: Alphonse! He's mastering his super anime abilities! The poison must be working its way to the final stage if he can do that!

Alphonse: Then we best get that new dose in him soon

GR: Dude why does that robot have a little kid's voice?

Alphonse: I'm a suit of armour and my soul is bound to it.

GR: So why are you wearing an Loincloth?

Alphonse: Its an Apron! (Charges at GR)

(Zatch Bell A doll who wears a dress for those who don't know runs out of alley way and starts punching GR's leg)

Zatch: Gonna kill you!

GR: Who the hell are you suppose to be little girl?

Zatch: I'm a boy!

GR: (Sweatdrops) You're friggin kidding me. (Picks up gender confusing doll and chucks it at Alphose knocking them both to the ground)

Edward: You're gonna pay for that! (Turns a Lightpost into a machine gun)

GR: Oh come on! That's completely unfair!

(Edward fires upon GR several times. GR runs for cover behind a car)

GR: Come on Rage think! Think! If I have Anime Super Powers what can I do that could help me? (Idea!) Thats it! (Kicks car and it begins to roll at a high speed and straight intot he machine gun post that explodes on impact sending Edward flying.)

Edward: Damn youuuuuuuu! (Splat)

GR: Old fashioned super strength and highly explosive stuff, works all the time

(GR keeps heading towards the hotel when he run into the Sailor Scouts)

Sailor Moon: Okay girls, time to be overly sexual and kick this guy's ass.

GR: Girls, girls, can't we all just get along.

Sailor Mars: Actually I'm a guy. (Everyone looks at her) Sailor "Mars" people, woman don't exactly come from that planet. Where did you think I got it from?

The Talking cat: Go get him girls...and guy.

GR: A cat! Thats perfect! Suck on catnip Sailor Smucks! (Pulls out box of extreme stress catnip and throws it at the Scouts. The talking cat goes crazy and tries to kill them all. A laser goes off and launches GR into the air but he grabs onto a passing flying girl on a staff)

GR: Whoa, that was close. (Notices Sakura) Oh crap.

Sakura: Get off my staff.

(Minor tussle proceeds, but GR just kicks Sakura off and onto a nearby building)

Sakura: Jackass!

GR: (In distance) Don't care!

(Later when GR finds his hotel)

GR: There it is, now I just have to land. How do I do that? (Wiggles staff around until it breaks) Oh shoot. (Begins to plummet from sky and lands with a mouth full of dirt which he quickly spits out.) Well at least I'm alive.

(The Dragonball Z gang shows up)

Goku: So you defeated all the other Anime characters

Gohan: But how will you defeat us?

Picalo: Our combined strength alone will destroy you.

Vegeta: How you like them apples.

GR: Do your worst losers.

Dragonball Z Gang: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

(GR files nails)

Dragonball Z gang: MEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-

(GR reads a magazine)

Dragonball Z gang: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-

(GR eats some ticktacks)

Dragonball Z gang: MEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-

(GR stretches a little)

Dragonball Z gang: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Giant combined super laser ball is launched, but GR just pulls out a mirror and it reflects off it and they all get blasted into oblivion)

Goku: CURSE YOU! NOW WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THAT PLACE WITH THE ANGEL HALOS!

Gohan: THAT PLACE SUCKS!

(All dissapear in flash of light)

GR: Adios Muchachos.

(Blackfire and Sergeant Pain exit hotel)

Blackfire: What was all that screaming honey?

GR: Oh nothing just a bunch of nutso Japanese anime characters who were trying to make me one of them and kill you. But with an amazing amount of luck and a little help from anime cliches I survived them and made it here to save you from them...which doesn't matter now since most of them are dead.

Blackfire: Oh honey, you did all that to save us?

GR: Well duh, who else would have me.

Pain: I'm surprised you gave up all those possible hot anime chicks.

GR: I don't care, your mom is all the hot chick action I need.

Blackfire: Oh come here you!

(Blackfire and GR makeout)

Pain: (Disgusted) Please! Stop! I'm a child!

(Blackfire and GR stop making out and a ringing phone is heard)

GR: What's that?

Pain: Oh, that just my video cellphone.

GR: You bought a cellphone.

Pain: Well yeah...actually I kinda sorta stole it from a shopping boutique

GR: Well who the hell would be calling you?

Pain: I gave the number to the doctor actually, thought it would be cool to see how it worked.

(GR grabs video cellphone and clicks the 'Talk' button. The Doctor's face appears on the little screen)

Doctor: Hello General Rage-San. I am happy to tell you that the effects of the Poison are wearing off. You'll be back to normal soon.

GR: How do you know?

Doctor: I stuck a little monitoring probe inside your bloodstream to see how you were coping to the posion. According to its latest report the posion has almost left your body.

GR: Alright! (Victory dance)

Doctor: However there may be some slight side-effects.

GR: (Stops dancing) Say wha?

Doctor: Well let me first ask, have you ever been exposed to radiation?

GR: Uh yeah, I was once. Why?

Doctor: (Nervous look on face) Oh...well...ah...got to go! (Turns off)

Blackfire: Well that can't be a good sign.

GR: Oh screw it guys. (Throws phone away) I don't care! Everything is back to normal and we can finally leave this crack addicted country and get back to our normal non-anime lives back home. Everything has worked out for the best.

Pain: Uh dad when did you get a lizard tail?

GR: What the hell are you...(Notices he has a lizard tail) Well that can't be good.

(GR suddenly clutches head and grows into fifty foot tall giant lizard! Japanese people run away from it!)

Citizen: AH! Ragezilla!

Japanese Bussinessman: Hm, monster is early today?

Japanese Stockbroker: Yes, shall we commence in the running away together?

Japanese Bussinessman: I would be honoured.

(Both run away screaming as Ragezilla stomps down street)

Ragezilla: RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOOOORRRRRRRR!

(Sergeant Pain and Blackfire look on).

Blackfire: My husband just turned into a giant lizard monster of destruction and is now pounding Tokyo into fine powder.

Pain: Well I didn't see that coming. Lets hit the Sushi bar.

Blackfire: (Grabs Pain) Come on!

Pain: What? He'll be fine! If Godzilla movies have taught me anything its that the military are a bunch of incompetent morons with sucky weapons! He'll smash around town for a few days, kill a few thousand people, head back to monster island, the credits will play a chessy theme song and he'll disapear until the inevitable sequel. Thats the formula!

Blackfire: Just come on!

Pain: Okay, but you're messing up a good formula.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm a Godzilla fan, so this chapter is very special to me. I get to put my knowledge of Godzilla movies to use in this chapter extensively at least in the first half, the second half is basically something I wanted to fill in bvecause I ran out of stupid Japanese Military screw-ups to use. Also because I thought Black Mage might Appreciate it. Rock On.

* * *

Chapter 4: The Terror of Ragezilla!

(Ragezilla smashes through a sky scraper)

Ragezilla: RAAAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAARRR! (Picks up passing car and throws it into the distance)

(Jet Aircraft appear out of sky)

Pilot: Alright everyone stay sharp, prepare to fire upon the monster on my command.

Wingman: Will do!

(Ragezilla notices approaching jets)

Pilot: BANZAI!

(Barrage of missiles launch and impact Ragezilla...with no effect.)

Ragezilla: REEEEEAAAAAHHHHHOR! (Swings tail at the planes)

Pilot: Oh no! (Gets hit by tail) AHHH! (Crashes)

Wingman: What do we do now?

Wingman 2: I don't know. Get sushi?

Wingman: Sure.

(Both fly off)

(Meanwhile on a rooftop nearby with military observers)

Trenchcoat guy: Damn, the fighters failed.

General: Perhaps, but our new tanks along with our new mobile missile launchers will not.

Scientist: You fools! We cannot kill Ragezilla, he must be studied...for science!

Trenchcoat guy: You can dissect what is left.

General: Ohhh, good comeback.

Trenchcoat guy: I know.

(Mobile Missile lanchers and tanks approach Ragezilla on the street below him)

Tank Commander: Ready!

(Tanks aim cannons)

Tank Commander: Aim!

(Missiles get ready in launch position)

Tank Commander: FIRE!

(All military vehilces launch barrage of missiles at Ragezilla only to have the mosnter get pissed off enough to walk over to them and start stepping on them like toys. Cool model explosion all around. Ragezilla picks up the Tank Commander's tank)

Tank Commander: Well this wasn't part of the plan. (Fires pistol at Ragezilla's nose. No effect) Well worth a shot.

(Ragezilla eats tank)

Ragezilla: REEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOORRRRRR!

(Helicopter squadron approaches Ragezilla)

Helicopter pilot: Okay people, lets try not to be pussies like those stupid fighter pilots okay.

(Ragezilla notices them and rip off a giant antenna from a nearby skyscraper and swings it at the helicopters blowing them all up. Pilots parachute to ground)

Helicopter pilot: Well that didn't work. Whose up for sushi?

Other pilots: ME!

(Meanwhile in Tokyo Bay, a Japanese Warship prepare to make its move)

Captain: Have you spotted Ragezilla yet Skipper?

Skipper: Yes sir, there bearing two point three knots starboard.

Captain: Fire the super cool anti-Ragezilla missile we developed over the past few seconds.

Skipper: Thats a major plothole.

Captain: Shut up. I know what I'm doing. All our other plans failed so this one has to work.

(Missile is launched at Ragezilla who catches it in midair and throws it back at the warship)

Captain: Oh thats just bull-

(Ship explodes)

Ragezilla: REEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOOORRRRR!

(Blackfire and Sergeant Pain look on from afar)

Pain: Dad seems to be having fun.

Blackfire: Wanton destruction of military and private property is fun, but I can't have sex with a giant lizard can I?

Pain: Why not? Your relationship is disturbing enough already.

Blackfire: (Sighs) I hoped I wouldn't have to do this but (Pulls out Titan communicator) I snatched this from the Titans during our last encounter. I thought it might come in handy. I'm going to call for their help.

Pain: Oh great, I'll have to hang out with Auntie Starfire. Shoot me now.

Blackfire: Relax, with any luck we'll handle the problem quickly and get out of here just as fast. (Turns communicator on, Starfire's face appears)

Star: Hello? Who may I ask is calling?

Blackfire: Hello sis.

Starfire: Blackfire! How joyous it is to hear you call! Have you decided to change your evil ways?

Blackfire: No, Rage got turned into a giant lizard and is destroying Tokyo. We need your help to get him back to normal...and possibly save the city. I could care less about the last part I just want my husband back.

Starfire: I would love to help you in your endeavour dear sister, but at the moment me and my firends are engaged in a hectic battle for our lives against an evil towering blob of ink monster. Sorry but I must return to battle, good day. (Turns off)

Blackfire: The one time I need that do-gooding bitch and she's busy! Who the hell does she think she is?

Pain: Your little sister who got everything that was asked of her and was put next in line for the throne because you couldn't fly.

Blackfire: Not now Pain. I'm gonna go talk with your father. You stay out of trouble.

Pain: Fine, but take your time. I'm enjoying this. (Pulls out binoculars) Oh look, dad is attacking the powerlines. Look at those sparks. Is that a gasoline truck? (Explosion) It was.

(Later when Blackfire catches up with Ragezilla on Tokyo's bussiness district)

Blackfire: Hi honey. (Floats up to face) Remember me right? Sex muffin? Hot Alien Mistress? The exiled Princess you love to bang.

Ragezilla: (Snort)

Blackfire: Listen Ragey, I love watching you blow stuff up. In fact it kinda makes me horny. But I would really like it if you just turned back into a normal human being...like now. (Ragezilla grabs Blackfire) Should have seen that coming.

(Ragezilla continues to stomp down to downtown Tokyo)

Blackfire: Perfect now I'm being held hostage by a monster. What next?

(Meanwhile in a small comic boutique in downtown were a large blue robot with a car for a head is parked)

Kiva: I want to know exactly why we are in this country precisely? What does this have to do about saving the humanity's future?

Jamie: Nothing really, haven't you guessed by now that we could really care less about that.

Kiva: That doesn't answer why we're here.

Coop: Its Japan Kiva, video games and comic books. That all they really do here. And I want to get "Destructo Brawl 2" before it comes out in America. Got my Japanese bought console at home and everything.

Kiva: Can you even read Japanese.

Coop: (Long pause) No not really, why what's your point?

Jamie: Can we finish up here fast, we have hot Asian chicks to scope.

Coop: Okay, okay, just let me grab the game and-

(Large claw rips roof off and reveals Ragezilla's face)

Ragezilla: REEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOORRRR!

Jamie: How come this happens wherever we go?

(Ragezilla smashes display of "Destructo Beawl 2")

Coop: Oh come on! How come that always happens wherever we go?

(Megas gang follows Ragezilla outside as he walks away)

Kiva: What is that thing?

Jamie: Giant monster in Tokyo, I guess we shouldn't be surprised.

Coop: I don't care what it is. It just smashed my game. And now I'm gonna return the favour.

(Ragezilla punches through an office building near a secretary's desk)

Secretary: Mr. Hamoto-san is in a meeting sir, can you come back to kill and maine him another time? I can fit you for an appointment next week.

Ragezilla: REAAAAHOR!

Secretary: Shouting will get you nowhere sir.

(Ragezilla recives a tap on the shoulder)

Coop: Hey buddy.

(Ragezilla turns around to recieve a quick punch in the nose that send him flying down the street)

Jamie: Nice.

Coop: That ought to show him to mess with my games.

Kiva: Coop theres something you should know, I've detected something coming from the monster. It appears to be a smaller life form caught in its grasp.

Coop: You mean like a hostage or something?

Kiva: No I mean like a slushie. Of course its a hostage!

Coop: Oh right. So I guess we should save her then.

Kiva: What makes you think its a girl?

Jamie: Because all girls get taken hostage by monsters. Its common logic.

Kiva: I find that sexist.

Coop: Well why would a guy monster hold a guy hostage. Think about it.

Kiva: Just save the person the monster grabbed.

(Ragezilla gets up with his fist still closed, holding Blackfire)

Blackfire: Oh you see this is what happens when you go on a monster inspired rampage. Can you please just turn back to normal now.

(Ragezilla's fist is suddenly grabbed by Megas)

Coop: Okay let her go lizard-breathe

Ragezilla: REAAAAHHHHOOOR!

(Intense tug of war begins that starts strecthing Blackfire to the limit)

Blackfire: You're going to rip my arms off you idiots! Stop it!

Kiva: This is getting us nowhere.

Coop: You're right, lets fix that.

(Coop delivers a swift kick to Ragezilla's balls. And the monster lets go in agony. Blackfire is taken by Megas placed into the car cockpit)

Blackfire: Could you have been just a little more sutle?

Coop: You know a simple thank you would be nice. We just saved you from the crazy evil lizard thing.

Blackfire: That lizard thing is my husband you dolt.

(Everyone looks at Blackfire quite surprised)

Jamie: I think she's suffering from monster hostage stockholm syndrome.

Blackfire: Its true. That monster is my husband. He ate a bad fish, turned into an anime character and then when it wore off the after effects turned him into that.

(Short pause as everyone looks at the drooling Ragezilla)

Jamie: Monster Hostage stockholm sydrome.

Blackfire: I'm not joking!

(Ragezilla charges and tackles Megas launching him several feet down the street. Megas lands on what appears to be the Japanese affiliate of PoP TV. Then it gets back up)

Coop: Listen lady, monsters don't make good dates. Trust me, I know monsters. They aren't exactly loving material.

Blackfire: I told you, he wasn't like this before. He swallowed a bad fish and the side-effect of the poison turned him into that

Kiva: I think she's right. According to these scans I'm picking up trace amounts of human DNA coming from the monster.

Jaime: Is there anything that light-up board can't do?

Kiva: I'm not sure actually. I think its just comes up with this stuff as it goes along.

Coop: Okay so the giant lizard thing is a ordinary human thats been mutated trapped inside a giant lizard thing's body. At least we know what it is now. Lets get back to smashing. (Coop goes to hit a button but gets slapped by Blackfire) Ow, hey!

Blackfire: No way, thats my lover out there. You either help me fix this or you leave.

Jaime: Can't you just find someone else? I mean there are a lot of single guys out there. I mean look at me.

Blackfire: (Gives Jaime an emotionless look) One: No, I'm married and thats final. And Two: Even if I wasn't I don't date losers.

Jaime: Meh, can't blame me for trying.

Coop: Okay, I won't smash your husband. But how else am I gonna fix this problem?

Blackfire: That I don't know.

Kiva: I'll think of a way to reverse the effect on your spouse's DNA structure. In the meantime we need to get him away from the city and innocent civilians.

Coop: Oh but that takes forever! Why?

Kiva: Because whenever we fight a monster we usually end up destroying several city blocks.

Jaime: She's got a point.

Coop: Okay fine we'll lead the scary monster away from the city. Now where is he?

(Giant tail swipe hits Megas in the head)

Jaime: Well that was easy

Ragezilla: REEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOORRR!

Coop: Time for monster smashing.

Blackfire: NO! No monster smashing!

Coop: Okay...time for non-lethal monster smashing!

Blackfire: Just don't bruise his private parts okay. He needs those.

(Megas launches a flying kick at Ragezilla who qwuickly grabs it in midair and swings he robot down on the ground. Megas counters with a vicious upper-cut against Ragezilla's face and then the robot car fires up its jet pack and charges right into Ragezilla's stomach throwing him several feet and into a subway track. Ragezilla grabs a nearby train and starts swinging it around like a pair of nunchucks.)

Kiva: Nice form

Coop: Hey, whoose side are you on?

Kiva: Sorry, just noting the fact down.

(Ragezilla begins swinging train at Megas hit it over the head several times. Then he throws the whole train at Megas sending it on its back. Ragezilla picks up the robot and slings it over to the shipyard.)

Kiva: Okay Coop you got its attention lead it away from the city.

Coop: I'm getting to that don't rush me.

(Ragezilla grabs Megas arounf the upper body and tries to rip off the car head.)

Jaime: AHHH! We're gonna die!

Kiva: Coop! Get us out of here!

Coop: Okay give a me a second to- (Notices something lodged in Ragezilla's skin) Hey its "Destructo Brawl 2!" (leans out to grab it)

Kiva: Coop! We're about to die! This is no time for games!

Coop: Don't worry we'll be fine.

Blackfire: Is he always this distracted?

Kiva: Yeah, I've kinda gotten use to it.

(Coop pulls out the "Destructo Brawl 2" case and Ragezilla suddenly feels a stinging pain in its finger. It he lets go of Megas and begins to roar in anger)

Coop: Hmm, must of been lodged in deep.

Kiva: Hurry up and lure him away from the city already!

Coop: Okay sorry. Geez, you have no respect for my video games.

(Megas grabs a large nearby crane and bats Ragezilla several miles away)

Coop: Okay phase one accomplished. What next?

Kiva: We go find him and try and turn him back to normal.

Blackfire: About time. I just want my husband back okay, I don't need to be stuck in this dingy robot...(sniff air and looks at butt) Am I sitting on pizza?

Jaime: Don't worry its two days old. It won't permenantely stain you.

(Megas shows up at giant Crater where Ragezilla landed. Ragezilla gets up and confronts Megas)

Ragezilla: REEEAAAAAHHHHHOOOOORRRR!

Coop: Man this guy is tough, I must of batted him like three miles away.

Kiva: Bad news guys, we've hit him too close to a nearby power plant.

Jaime: Thats bad right?

Kiva: Only if you don't want to attack it and blow up everyone within a three hundred mile radius. Yes its bad!

(Ragezilla sends out a blast of atomic energy from his mouth at Megas, sending the robot flying across the field. Ragezilla starts headed to the nuclear power plant)

Kiva: Well we're doomed.

Coop: If only there was some way to mutate that thing back.

Kiva: Wait Coop! Your idiot savantism has stuck again!

Coop: My whata what?

Kiva: If we expose the monster to enough radiation it may be just enough to reverse the side-effects of that fish's poison after effects and return his genetic structure.

Blackfire: That's highly vague and out of the blue.

Kiva: Trust me I know it will work.

Blackfire: Whatever, as long as it gets my husband back.

Coop: But I thought you said letting him blow up the nuclear power plant was bad.

Kiva: If we can contain the monster inside the blast area along with the radiation it won't matter.

Coop: Okay sounds like a plan.

(Ragezilla steps close to power plant.)

Coop: Hey lizard dude!

(Ragezilla looks over to Megas standing behind him)

Coop: Alright pal, you tried to destroy my games, you messed up my vacation, and you destroyed half of Tokyo! The last one isn't as personal as the first two. But still I've had it! You're going down, right here! Right now!

Ragezilla: REAAAAAHHHHOOOOORRR!

(Megas fires a ones of its fists right at Ragezilla sending him falling over on the nuclear reactor)

Kiva: The reeactor seems to be overloading, quick Coop seal it off!

Coop: Okay which button does that?

(Looks over large arrangement of buttons that have unsually specific titles, like kill, destroy, cause general mayhem, cause even more general mayhem,until he finally find the one that says "seal monster in big yellow forcefield bubble")

Coop: That will work (Presses button)

(Big yellow bubble shoots out and incases Raghezilla inside, Ractor suddenly explodes and Ragezilla lets out a defeaning scream as a huge light flashes within the bubble and everyone closes their eyes. A few seconds later)

Kiva: Radiation seems to be dissapating along with the bubble.

Blackfire: Ragey! (Blackfire shoots out of the top of the car and flys over to the debris) Rage! Sex Muffin! Big bad wolf to my little red riding hood! Where are you?

(General Rage stumbles out of debris with a torn shirt and wearing nothing but underwear on otherwise)

GR: Ow, what was the number of that truck?

(Blackfire runs over to him and catches him in an embrace)

Blackfire: Honey! Oh Rage! I thought I lost you!

GR: Bones! Crushing me! OOC-ness! Can't stand!

(Blackfire stops hugging so maddly)

Blackfire: I'm sorry, its just that I really missed the old normal Rage so much for the past few days. Sure you're a sadistic destructive nut jar, but you're my sadistic destructive nut jar. And I don't want you to ever change.

GR: Ah don't worry Blackie. I'm still the same old Self-inserted, slightly mad cap director you always knew. That and I am so sex starved right now its not funny. Can we have sex now considering I'm no longer a Japanese anime character or a giant monster

Blackfire: Wait till we're back home okay sweetie. Then I'll ride you like there no tomorrow.

GR: Sounds super.

(Back with Megas)

Coop: Well another job done, saved Tokyo, reunited two lovers, and best of all I got my game.

Jaime: I'll never find love like that.

Kiva: Cheer up Jaime, like you said there's plenty of eligible peopel out there. Who knows, maybe there's a girl out there who dates losers.

Jaime: Gee, thanks.

Coop: Alright guys. Lets go on home. Rock on "Destructo Brawl 2!" (Megas launches off)

(Later at the airport)

GR: Well Pain you were right. This vacation blowed.

Pain: You kidding? That rocked! You smashed up half of Tokyo in a blood crazed rampage! How cool was that?

GR: I suppose it wasn't a total loss.

Blackfire: We better get on the flight before they find out exactly who was that monster.

(All look up at TV as a sudden announcement comes on)

Mayor: For saving our city we present you all with medals of honour, for our new heroes of Tokyo, the Teen Titans!

(Teen Titans look on waving with medals arounf their necks)

GR: You're friggin kidding me.

Blackfire: So the fact that they didn't come to help out when you were turned into a monster doesn't matter?

Pain: Pft, who cares. Its their glory moment. Besides Dad messed up their tower remember.

GR: I guess its a fair balance. I get screwed so do they. All in all, a good vacation, despite the stupidity of this on crack country.

Blackfire: Now now Rage, The Japanese are well cultured people, with high-tech adavances in all fields of science and technology. The Tokyo of today could very well be the world of tommorow (Large rainbow sign flys over Blackfire's head saying "The More you Know")

(Awkward pause)

Pain: What the hell just happened?

GR: I have no idea.

Tv Commerical: Buy Super Twinkle Donkey Gum! Endorsed by Raven-Chan of the Teen Titans!

Pain: How humiliating.

GR: Even I think thats harsh. Meh whatever. Lets get out of here before some stupid Japanese anime character shows up.

(Naruto jumps in front of them)

Naruto: We didn't finish our ninja battle! Believe it!

Blackfire: Is that his catch phrase?

Naruto: I'm gonna beat you and become a Ninja Ninja Ninja! Believe it!

(Pain takes a newspaper and starts hitting Naruto)

Pain: Shut up! Shut up! Yeah that hurts don't it! Beleive it! You dumbass orange trecnhcoat poor excuse for a ninja!

Naruto: Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow! (Runs off)

GR: This country is so weird.

Blackfire: But weird can be enjoyable. Just look at our family.

Pain: Quick help me tie him down and gouge out his eyeballs!

GR: I guess the moral is no matter how weird things gets, you'll always have your family to compare it to.

Blackfire: Thats a stupid moral.

GR: Yeah whatever, I'm making this up as I go along. Pain stop hurting the poor excuse for a ninja and come along.

Pain: I'll be back one day to finish the job asshole! Believe it!

(GR and family get on plane)

GR: Maybe next time we should go to Mexico.

Blackfire: Strange I feel a strange form of deja vu (Slaps GR)

GR: OW! What was that?

Blackfire: I have no idea.

THE END

By the way, a little Epilogue,

When the Titans returned home they found their tower completely trashed. Apparently someone had held a huge party and invited a lot frat boys and overly sexed up teen girls. Besides the fact that Cyborg's car is now stripped of all value, Starfire cannot find her panties, Silkie is expierencing a horrible hangover, Beastboy's bed is covered in what appears to be minute traces of beer and semen and Raven's room has apparently been trashed because now all the book are out of order and apparently some of her cloaks have been tried on Robin remained admant that it all wasn't really that bad. That was until he opened his room door and was splatered with fruit punch gelatin from head to toe. They later discovered a tape left by the frat boys. The title said "Gift to the Titans." Most of the tape is too horrible to be described to anyone but the end part of the tape had the Frat boys and teen girls thanking the person who made this all possible...General Rage. Needless to say the Titans are not pleased. While Raven is more willing to put what has happened behind them all, Starfire is confused, Cyborg enraged but will get over it with video games and large quantities of meat, Beastboy is lightly pissed as the rest of them, it seems only Robin is more furious then all of them. He now promises to do all in his power to destroy General Rage...but then again Robin's a dickhead so we don't care.

As for Naruto he still has that sucky catchphrase however he now lives in fear for the possible return of Sergeant Pain and his spoon of evil.

Coop played "Destructo Brawl 2" for several hours, even though he couldn't understand a word it was saying. He eventually unlocked and beat everything within the game and when the American version of "Destructo Brawl 2" came out he did the same with that. Of course when that came out he had to fight several large Alien monsters bent on world conquest. So of course everything is back to normal


End file.
